I like to Suck

I just heard that working night shifts can cause cancer. Fuck sake I used to work night shifts as a grave robber back when young doctors needed cadavers to fondle and cut up that's when I ran into Count Dracula ::::spits::::: dirty Slavs, that fucker bit me in the neck.

I said hang on a minute Boris I'm very ghey, can't you see by these trousers they are just a bit tight around the crotch, look you can see my bell end through them.
The dirty Slav bastard wanted to bite that too so I tricked him, I pulled it out much to that coffin packers delight and peed on him, blessing it as it flowed, holy piss Batman.

I became a ghey Presbyterian minister on the Intershed, so it burned him like fuck, maybe it was the asparagus that burned him, well it fucking well burned me, like pissing razor blades I think yer ma gave me the clap

He ran off screaming that he smelled like piss, as if that's a bad thing, welcome to my world.

I staggered to the ER as my HIV contaminated life blood seeped out of my neck.

Two doctors were telling each other how they felt, while a nurse in room 218 was saying goodbye to an old dying woman who taught her how to live again. The place was like a fucking soap opera, "hello I'm fucking bleeding to death here" after I filled out a form I was put in a cubical my clothes were covered in blood, semen, blood, but mainly semen, so I was feeling weak. In walked a good looking male doctor with perfect hair, "hello I'm Doctor McSweatyarsecrack and what seems to be the trouble with you?" I mumbled that I was bleeding from the neck after being bitten by a Slav, he looked angry "nasty things those Slavs I'll get you a tetanus jab and top up of blood" he turned to leave his soft bouncy hair gently lifting in the breeze and I was able to call out "make sure it's pure Irish blood and not that Proddy shite from the north " as I passed out through loss of blood.

So I became a ghey vampire, but no ordinary ghey vampire, I was a crime fighting an evil hunting vampire, nah only kidding. I was just a plain old ghey cunt.

While most vampires move to America for movie deals and where the sun (our destroyer) is very hot I stayed in Derry.

I only had to be careful about twice a year or summer as we call those days. In the North of Eyeland when people see the sun they either think its the end of the world or a UFO. In Eyeland we vampires can walk in the daytime during cloudy days and before the spides appear for their daily skag. I sell it in grams and ounces, our secret, nyuk nyuk.

So being a vamp didn't change my lifestyle too dramatically. I had to wear black of course and slick my hair back, oh and drain the blood from three straight people a day. If I missed a person I got grumpy as fuck. Its not as easy as you'd think to find straight victims to suck dry.
Its not like sex were you stick your head in down there, its more intimate, the last thing you want as yer sucking away is to see some head lice crawling yer way or see a bad case of dandruff getting all over yer black clothes.

It's hard to suck them doggy style so you can't avoid looking at ugly meals, if they are fat then you might miss the artery.

I'm not biting any weemen, maybe if it was Mary Jane Lezzer or someone butch, but no, I'm not having the rest of the vamps at the Tatty Twister (its a bar for ghey vampires) saying I've gone all Transylvanian or Bohemian or whatever.

Children are not safe cos I'm a ghey pedo, so that only leaves some weemen that are safe. Besides, there is a sore shortage of hot weemen in the north of Eyeland, especially in Ballymena where a woman is judged by her semen spitting abilities than her looks.
American weemen taste like plastic due to all the fake tits, the Canadian weemen are the ugly meals you have to bite while they are wearing bags but they are very polite. French weemen taste like garlic, I just don't like the smell of garlic, it's deadly you see. Nothing vampy about Russian weemen, they get you drunk with their high blood alcohol levels, I went to Moscow for a visit and it ended up more like leaving Las Vegas. I ended up on the 12 step program for alcoholics.

The older you get the less you can be arsed with hot men and all you can do is look at them while they make sure to stay out of arms length and I'm not as fast as I used to be with this tag on my ankle.

So if you don't see me during a full moon then you know why, I'll be off howling at the moon, no wait that's werewolves and the thing I do when I'm drunk as a skunk, pissed as a newt or intoxicated as a bastarding english vicar.
So if yer bit by Zoltan hound of Dracula do you become a vampire or just get rabies and die? ah such uninteresting questions my bloggers of the night.

I just thought I'd tell you this story as I heard that Dracula had just recently died of cancer, the night shifts of stalking virgin boys must have gotten to him, he got this big lump behind his ear, I blame his mobile phone I mean those signals just go through you to yer phone.