Blogger Knudsen - A Man on Fire

On a toilet in a mansion in Memphis in 1977 the bottom fell out of my world. I had been an Elvis impersonator, one of the top ghey ones in Miami, in fact hoping to retire before I got old. I had gone through my hip wiggling phase, my ghey sweaty phase, my fat phase and my fat sweaty gospel phase, but the old voice box wasn't holding up too well and rather than cut back to 60 ciggies a day I gave up singing.

I took to officiating at ghey weddings as Elvis and in my time I had married over 2000 ghey couples, but the Elvis thing was over and every nut job was doing it and making it look ridiculous.

Old Knudsen had to adapt and reinvent himself so I looked around to see what else was big, besides, I wasn't actually qualified to marry people since I had just got out of the joint for sex crimes against horses.

Who do the dumb kids love? I asked myself, and so I became a Michael Jackson impersonator and opened up a daycare. One day people stopped bringing their kids over and the police came round and asked all sorts of questions, I think the Catholic Church next door was freaking them out.

After that the only real money I made was when I sold David Kildorf's Apple operating system to Bill Gates for 50,000 dollars.

Mr Gates is amazing, all he started out with was a newspaper round, the clothes on his back and a small paper bag, of course he did have 100 million dollars in the paper bag.

I got into the oil business as all of those cunts are rich.

I went to Kuwait in 1990 and showed them this thing called horizontal drilling, we don't need no stinking borders. The Iraqis took exception and well I don't want to talk about it because that led to my 4th mental breakdown since I came out of the closet.

I became a wandering ghey break dancing crime fighter in Slovenia and then I hooked up with a religious group called Heaven's Gate, they weren't for me to be honest, I mean... I thought I was fucking nuts.

I did manage to part some of them from their hard earned cash by selling them track suits and trainers, nyuk nyuk.

I have since got my sanity back and am looking into selling real estate in Fresno, Donald Trump has expressed an interest as he wants to build a big golf course for rich homosexual types like the Orange Order who play golf when they are not cornholing small children and licking the backs of slime covered toads.

I am on fire with my new career so I shall soon be selling signed photos of my ass and as that cunt Bock is selling badges, because you know about those hearse drivers and their bits of flare, I shall be selling t-shirts as modelled by my good friend Mary Jane the lezzer.

Mary Jane has been missing for the past 24hours since I outed her and her family are very worried. They should be, I actually I sold her to a pair of fake doctors over in Edinburgh for 50 bucks, but it's our secret huh?